Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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