I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
