Christians are straight up FREAKS
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize