He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
