We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
