I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
