so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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