This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
