he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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