My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
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