There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
