we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
