Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
