I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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