he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
