Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
