my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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