I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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