a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
