the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize