The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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