things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
