I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
