We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
