I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
