the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
