i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
