it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
