Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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