Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize