Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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