My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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