mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
