hotel room ftw
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
