If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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