Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
