Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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