If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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