I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
