I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
