his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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