After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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