I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
