And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He passed out mid-signature
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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