My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm just crazy horny about you
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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