I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
