I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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