hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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