So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
