The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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