Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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