oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
