I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
