Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
