I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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