my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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