I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
