At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
