if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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